Ask An Expert: Shaadi.com

Query: My girlfriend has pursued M.Tech in IT, whereas I’m a B.A. graduate. I’m also pursuing MBA from distance learning and managing my business at the same time. My height and weight is not that great, so my girlfriend doesn’t feel attracted towards me. She wants her partner to be an engineer, settled in Delhi because she lives in Delhi, while I’m based in Ahmedabad. What should I do to attract her? Please help!
– Ravi Arora

Expert Advice by Dr Prakriti: It seems you are pursuing the wrong girl. Why are you calling her your ‘girlfriend’? Is there an indication that you are dating or is it just that you are friends over long distance? There’s nothing you can do about your height and if she doesn’t like you because she has some height fixation, you should just stop thinking about her. If you have extra weight on you, work towards getting healthier and fitter. It’s more attractive to the opposite sex and better for you. To me, it seems like your girlfriend is clearly telling you that she doesn’t want to pursue a relationship with you. If I was in place of you, I would call it quits and find a new partner. You need to know what you want in your partner. If you are clear about what you want, it will be easier for you to find and attract the right partner. Secondly, understand what your driving values and life’s purpose are and see if that matches your prospective partner. (In the case of your present girlfriend, it obviously doesn’t.) Also, understand that attraction is not only based on your ‘looks’ but also based on inner-self, hobbies, interests, desires, reactions, motivations, and extra-curricula’s. If a woman relates to these areas in your life, she stands a better chance in liking you. Often women find a ‘Danny De-Vito’ (American actor, comedian and director) desirable and that is because of his confidence, sense of humour and his ability to laugh at himself. More importantly, a woman finds a man very attractive when he knows how to treat her. And if a man has a complex about his looks/height/weight, etc it is an absolute turn off for attraction. So, define and work on what you need to do to be the most attractive ‘You’. Identify your gaps and fill them with the new improved Ravi. Once this is done, go out and find a link with a partner.

Query: I’m a 25-year-old guy and I like a girl who’s my age, but my parents are against our relationship. They do not want me to get married, at least for the next two years because I’m currently pursuing a PG course. I’m a doctor by profession and the girl is an engineer. We belong to different castes and that is a major issue for my parents. I’m also emotionally disturbed, as the girl’s mother passed away last year and she doesn’t have many friends to connect with. So, she’s developed a depressive attitude towards life. I have supported her and tried to bring that lost positive energy in her, but it hasn’t helped. She also feels that she is crossing her age of marriage. My parents want me to stay away from her and when I try to do that I feel a moral sense of guilt inside. I really don’t know how to make it possible or if not how to finish it without having this emotional baggage in my heart. Please give me some advice.
– Faisal

Expert Advice by Dr Prakriti: Statistics prove that a good marriageable age for a man is when he is stable and able to provide well for his family. Once you are at that level, nobody questions your decisions. If you are socio-economically dependent on your family, you will always feel torn in your decision because you will always need to value their decision over your own feelings. Only when you are earning, you and your spouse are capable of independent decision-making. Belonging to different castes shouldn’t be a problem, as there are a lot of inter-caste marriages that work out well. I unfortunately get a sense that you have put a lot of emotion behind this girl and this relationship, but are now beginning to feel a little drained. I know that you want to help her, but it is not your place to do so. You are not a trained professional in helping someone get out of depression. Your trying will bear no results and the outcome will make you feel low. If she is passing marriageable age and you find that there are too many blocks preventing you from getting married to her, please let her go. The emotional baggage from your heart is the ‘guilt’ and that has no place in this situation. You are not her keeper and neither do you have any contract with her. If you really are in love with her and know beyond a doubt that you want to be with her, you could and would marry her despite all the blocks. But, since that is not the impression I’m getting from your mail, and since there is so much doubt, please do not pursue it out of guilt. I suggest, she should meet up with a counselor. Here are some quick tips before she find’s a counselor:
* Separate your emotional issues/needs from hers
* If you feel any sense of guilt in not being able to help her heal, remember that it is not your issue. You are not to be blamed at all. Her depressive attitude is ‘Her Choice’
* Try to figure out what is it that attracts you towards her and what part of your personality is it fulfilling?
* The most important piece of the puzzle is forgiveness. You have to forgive yourself for walking away from her. Try to forgive your girlfriend for not being able to heal as quickly as you would like.

Query: I’m a Chef at ITC: Fortune hotel, but not highly qualified. I’m looking for a partner who’s well educated, so that our future is bright. Since, I’m not very educated, I at least want my partner to be educated and take good care of our family in the future. Could you give me some advice about how to find the right match.
– Arvind

Expert Advice by Dr Prakriti: Rather than looking for a partner who is highly qualified, I recommend you work on improving your professional skills. There are plenty of courses available where you could do this. The reality is that a woman is looking for someone who is more qualified than her and has a brighter future than her. You will be lucky if any woman is looking to support her partner and family. You, as the man, have to be the prime breadwinner in the family and you will have to support your family to the best of your abilities. If the woman you marry is a professional bringing in a salary, then you are in luck. However, be aware that when you have a child/children, there are chances that your wife will quit her job and be at home with her child for a few months. At that point you again will be the sole breadwinner. For a woman, love and respect go hand in hand. Women respect men who are capable and are able to support them, emotionally and financially. You won’t really be happy if you look for someone above your means. Either an equal mate or someone who is thankful for all that you can provide is what you need to sustain and fulfill a happy married life. You need to become the right match, then the perfect partner will come to you.

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Query: I’m a 24-year-old working professional from Ghaziabad. I recently broke-up with my girl friend. I’ve tried to forget her and move on, but it just seems impossible. I’ve lost trust in love. Also, my parents want me to get married, but I don’t know how the girl will turn out to be after marriage. Please guide me.
– Sumit Arya

Expert Advice by Dr Prakriti: The best part about relationships being unsuccessful is that you have enough data to analyze and draw up a list of things that did and didn’t work out for you. This helps you understand things that are important to you in a relationship. You first have to understand that your ex-girlfriend is not going to come back in your life. So, it’s best to forget your past. You say, you’ve tried to forget her and move on, but I don’t think so. If you had, you would have got over her by now. Did you seek counseling to get over it? There are steps involved in it:
* Talking to a professional
* Talking to your ex-girlfriend to put closure on the situation
* Writing a journal and addressing your feelings. (This helps you understand why you feel a certain way and helps you release the emotional connection you choose to maintain with your ex)
* Allowing cathartic release to take place. This may mean crying, boxing a pillow, shouting out loud (in a secluded place)
* Lessons from the experience is very important for us to realise why we went through a certain situation. Write down all the things you’ve learned, as a result of the break-up.

You need to understand that your personal development and emotional stability is the most important thing in life and if you’re not emotionally stable and happy inside, you’ll never be happy. If your cup of self love isn’t full, there’s no way that you can give your love to someone else. Start to enjoy your own company by doing things that you enjoy. Introspection is important. Losing trust in ‘love and marriage’ is an over dramatization of your feelings. You need to stop repeating that to yourself. Instead, remind yourself everyday that ‘I trust in love and marriage’. The subconscious mind will make adjustments and trap this as the new belief system. Also, how the girl will turn out to be after marriage is something that can’t be predicted, but I recommend, get to know what is really important to you and ask your prospective partner what are some of the key things that are important to her. If you match on the fundamental requirements, life is always better shared with a companion. Be open to good experiences and don’t be scared.

Query: My parent’s finalized my wedding with one of my friend’s sister two years ago. The girl and myself, we’re both from the IT industry and we talk over the phone sometimes. When it comes to meeting up, she mostly denies. I also share my feelings with her, but she doesn’t. She treats me like a friend and doesn’t want me to have any expectations from her before marriage. This kind of attitude upsets me. Also, I feel we’re not compatible or may be, she already has someone in her life. I’ve tried to tell her that I’m emotionally attached to her and that I feel good every time I’m with her, but she feels I’m expecting a lot from her. Please tell me what to do?
– Nikhil Das (name changed)

Expert Advice by Dr Prakriti: When you say ‘marriage is finalized’, does it mean that you’re engaged? This sounds like two years of just a verbal understanding with no real dating at all. How often do you two meet? Once in two months? What has caused this emotional attachment? Why is a third party causing you to feel good? Do you not feel good otherwise? You need to ensure that you’re a complete, independent, and a happy person who feels good about himself at all times first. Women want mature, confident and self-reliant men. Especially, working women prefer an equal partner. It becomes a burden when it’s one partners job to keep the other ‘happy’ or even when they are the ‘feel good’ factor in someone’s life. You are upset because you are in love with her and she treats you just as a friend. You may be right that she’s not in love at this moment, but just because your marriage has been fixed doesn’t mean that the emotions have to flow immediately. At least, one thing is clear and that is, this girl is honest and upfront and doesn’t lie about her feelings. Hence, there’s no pretending that she is in love. It is possible that she may allow love to happen in the safety confines of a marriage. By a quick analysis of her character she seems candid enough. It’s best to ask her if she’s dating someone else? Do you feel she won’t tell you? Ask her if she really wants to marry you or is it the family pressure? Lay all your cards on the table. Do not guess and second guess or ask a third party. Talk to her directly. Your emotional attachment has happened too fast and too soon. I suggest, you seek some professional help for that. Here are some introspection tips:
* Recognize that you have a problem. I can see that there’s one, as there has been no basis for you to feel so deeply for this person, since she hasn’t given you any reason what-so-ever. Acknowledge this first.
* Identify what you’re good at and what makes you different from others. What are some of your greatest pro’s. Focus on it for a while everyday, so that it can help raise your self-esteem.
* Go slow. If she wants to hold off till marriage, try to honor that. Don’t spend all day thinking about her or wondering why she isn’t thinking about you as much, because this is not a battle of who wins the needy race. Remember, she has her own life and she is free to live it. She’s not compelled to act the way you want/expect her too. Slow down your expectations.
* In fact, make sure your expectations are realistic. This girl has not dated you, so how can she be in love with you? It obviously wasn’t love at first sight, so why are you expecting her to react like that. Look at the real situation Nikhil to avoid self-inflicted pain.
* Give her space to grow and come to you at her own pace. Don’t try to rush things.
Find out the main cause of why you have fallen so deeply in love with the girl. Also, find out why you are expecting so much in return.
* Change your focus from her to other things that you like doing.
*  Develop your interests and personality.

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Query: I’m a Shaadi.com member and needed some advice on finding the right match for my daughter who’s living with hepatitis B positive? Her ID is SH95735863. Please help!
– Aparna

Expert Advice by Dr Prakriti: I can understand your frustration regarding the slow progress of your daughter’s profile, however the chances of someone wanting a partner who is Hepatitis B positive will be slim. I’m sure you are well aware of the facts of the various ways in which it can be transmitted to another party. However, on her profile, the Hep B is not mentioned, so it cannot be the cause of you not finding a suitable match for your daughter. Sometimes, getting the right click takes long. If you’re generating interest and when things seem to be working out, you talk to them about your daughter having Hep B. It is not something that should be kept hidden or under wraps. Not only is the partner at risk in this case, but also the child in the future. This is not an easy journey, so please brace yourself and be patient.

Query: I registered on Shaadi.com a year ago. I’m currently working in Bhopal and my family is based in Surat. My parents had an inter-caste marriage. My dad is Hindu Brahmin, whereas my mom is Muslim and I think this is one reason, why I’m unable to find the right match. Could you please give me some advice about how to find a suitable partner?
– Aman Bhardwaj

Expert Advice by Dr Prakriti: When a woman is looking for a man on a matrimonial website, she’ll definitely take a good look at your profile. If you feel your parents inter-caste marriage is  an issue, make sure everything else is good in your profile. If you are liberal in your religious views, chances are you will find a woman who is liberal as well. Also, the girl has to like the city, after all she has to settle down with you. This also means that she is giving up her career and in most cases, moving to a new city. She has to feel confident that you can provide her with adequate emotional and financial support. Emotional support would mean that your lifestyle, interests, friend circle, education, etc must be in sync with what she requires. On the other hand, the woman should also feel financially secure. She should be convinced that you’ll be able to take care of her and the kids in the future. So, focus and enhance those qualities in life as well as on your profile and you are sure to attract a very compatible partner.

Query: I’m from Africa and I quite like Indian women. But, I don’t understand why is it taking me so long to find the right match in India. What do Indian women actually look for in men? Could you please guide me.
– Moses

Expert Advice by Dr Prakriti: Women in India are more likely to first look for their own ethnic group and their own religious background and sometimes, even their own caste. Once that search is exhausted, only then do they start looking beyond that. So, you need to be patient. Moving to another country can be quite overwhelming for some of the young prospects. Unfortunately, the wait is inevitable. In the meantime, focus on putting everything else in place. Sometimes, you can jump the queue if everything else is in order. When I say everything else, I mean:
* Your intelligence: work, interests and ability to make money
* Your social skills: hobbies, friends, etc
* Your religious and spiritual views
* Your family structure
Women need to be sure that you’re advanced enough in your career to be able to provide resources more adequately. Therefore, intelligence can go a long way. Women need to be reassured that the man they are with, will be able to understand them better. So, if all this is in place, you may not have to wait too long to find a good mate.