Expert Query on Shaadi.com

Expert Query on Shaadi.com

Dr Prakriti Poddar, CounsellorA renowned clinical hypnotherapist, management consultant and counselor, Dr Prakriti Poddar specialises in Pre-Marital and Couple Counseling. Send your queries related to relationships issues, confidence building, getting rid of past baggage, family management, body language and emotional balance. Visit her website for more infowww.mindoverimage.com

POST A QUERY: askanexpert@shaadi.com

Check out the latest readers’ queries answered by our panel of experts. Send a query toaskanexpert@shaadi.com and we will offer you expert advice on this platform at the earliest, stay tuned...

Query: I am a 43-year-old man into teaching profession and a divorcee. I’m looking for a right match again. My first marriage happened in a hurry, so it did not last long. Kindly suggest me what kind of partner and from which profession would best suit me, so that things sail smoothly this time.

– Anonymous

Expert Advice by Dr Prakriti: I am not sure what went wrong in your first marriage. Just because it happened in a hurry does not mean it broke up on account of that. You need to analyze what went wrong. Once you know that, you will be in a better position to determine what is it that you like/dislike in a partner. Most relationships break up because of the lack of flexibility in one or both of the partners. In order to find the right partner you have to do some soul searching. Firstly, start exploring how you would like to be treated in a relationship. Most relationships fail because one or both partners are seeking out fulfillment from the other. Your cup of love, SELF LOVE, should be full. Only once that begins to overflow will you be able to love someone else. And the same applies to your partner.

Secondly, understand your background. When looking for an ideal mate, assure that the core beliefs and value systems are the same. This is MORE important than the ‘looks’ of the bride. Every person has their own opinions that come from their frame of reference, (which is how they were brought up, what their core beliefs are, what their nurturing has taught them,etc). You must be open to accepting another person’s opinion as well.  Thirdly, assess your core needs, things that you absolutely CANNOT do without in a partner. Be objective and apply the ‘needs’ to yourself, truthfully seeing if you can provide the same to your partner.

Fourthly, when you find potential matches, please observe carefully. If steps 1 to 3 are done well, you will find your ‘ideal match’. Use a lot of communication to filter down the best match. And lastly, when you have found the ideal match you have to apply all that you have learned from self-exploration to the relationship to ensure a smooth sail! As for your question about profession, if you do all the steps correctly you should be able to see what is best for you. As a tip, being in the teaching profession you obviously get a lot of holidays as compared to other professions, therefore it may be best for you to find someone in a similar profession or someone working in the public sector.

Query: My son is a graduate and works in Bahrain as a Retail Store Manager. He’s currently drawing good salary and is over 37-years-old. On October 1, 1998 he met with an accident at this residence in Bangalore due to which he’s got some visual difficulty with his left eye. But this hasn’t stopped his career growth. Could you please suggest me how to find a suitable bride for him.
– Iype Kurien

Expert Advice by Dr Prakriti: His visual difficulty doesn’t seem to be a hindrance at work, therefore it may not be a hindrance in his personal life. And since it is not a genetic deficiency, but caused by an accident, there is no problem with the offspring either. Hence, it is not so relevant. If it is a thing of concern for you and all his potential partners, then please do mention it clearly in the matrimonial that you put out.

If it affects his appearance then please ensure his photograph does show it. What you don’t want is to hide it and then get rejected later on in the process. Keeping all these things in mind, pursue a suitable bride just as you would normally. Vis-a-vis Shaadi.com, family networks etc. Since his career chart is good, his prospects are good. If his nature is good, his prospects are even better! Focus more on the type of person he is and also the kind of bride that he is looking for.

Your job as a parent is to get your son to analyze his personal needs of a bride. He needs to also do an in-depth research as to what he can provide his partner, apart from the financial aspect. Keep in mind that since he is working in Bahrain, his wife will be moving far from her family and friends and will therefore need an emotionally supportive husband as well. He must be capable of providing her with that, because it is not likely that she will get a work permit and therefore will have to be a homemaker. A new country is a very lonely place for a new bride. He will have to help her find activities where she can meet like-minded people. He has to research all this so that it is smooth for his new wife. Do also mention the above in your details so that potential brides know that you are thinking about their interests as well.

Query: Our families introduced us to each other and we had our GudDhana, after which we started liking each other. Some issues in the family resulted in separation after a month, due to some differences between the girl’s mother and me. Her mother is very stubborn and now she’s not willing to get her daughter married to me. The girl and me, we really like each other, but she can’t go against her mother. Is there any way I can save the relationship? I have seen many such cases and none of them have been successful. Any specific reason for it?
– Sandy Surana

Expert Advice by Dr Prakriti: It is important for you to get the mother’s approval and the girl as well, so make sure you do whatever you need to in order to get the mother back on your side. Even if the mother is stubborn, most often they want what is best for their child and they especially want to see their child happy. For some reason known only to her (the mother), she may have begun to feel that you are not suitable for her daughter. Investigate what those reasons may be. Question yourself honestly to see if there is any truth in it. If there isn’t, then display through your ‘action’ towards the girl and her family how the mother’s assumptions may be incorrect. A marriage without family support is not grounds for a happy marriage. You must try to dissipate the tension. For now, stop wooing the daughter and start wooing the mother. Love can melt even the hardest soul. Put your ego aside for the higher purpose. Rise to the occasion…. this is your chance to show your maturity and to take matters into your own hands.

Query: I got married in 1990 and due to some reason my wife and me decided to part ways. We’ve been living separately for the last 12 years. We’re not divorced and neither are we willing to compromise and get back together. Do you think I should file for a divorce as soon as possible or is it fine if I go ahead with a live-in relationship. Guide me. 
– Harsh Vyas

Expert Advice by Dr Prakriti: Firstly, why are you not getting a divorce? If you and your wife have not been together for 12 years, what is the reason you have not yet signed the papers? Since you both are not inclined towards any sort of reconciliation there is no need to keep the other bound to a marriage that is non-existent. For any sort of future meaningful relationship, it is necessary to make a clean break from the past. No partner will be comfortable in a live-in relationship with a MARRIED man. And if you do find a woman who is interested in a live-in relationship with you, be rest assured that this contract that you still have with your wife will be the cause of many a fight. Even just energetically, it is better to clear up baggage to start anew. You will never put 100% into any relationship if you have an excuse to get out of it. Which is what your non-existent marriage will become! In your sub-conscious mind you will always have one foot out of the door. Seal up the past and start anew. You deserve a second chance at happiness so don’t short change yourself. So, start afresh!

Query: Is it true that a relationship before marriage and after marriage is very different? How can we ensure a smooth sail?
– R Sen

Expert Advice by Dr Prakriti: Yes, it is different. Before marriage there is very little or no responsibility and after marriage there is definitely more responsibility and more accountability. Let me ask you one thing, how does a sailor become a good sailor? It is only when a sailor can effectively weather storms. In this journey of togetherness ensure an open mind, respect your partner, and always keep the lines of communication ajar. Both people need to focus on the ‘WE’ and not the ‘I’. This will make the journey as smooth as it can get.

Query: Why do boys want a simple wife and a modern girlfriend? I think it’s a fact. How can girls meet the expectations in different stages?
– Miss Mumbai

Expert Advice by Dr Prakriti: Most men and women desire to respect their partners. Therefore men are looking for women that they can take home to their families who would fit in well without causing much change or friction. Women on the other hand, look for men who can support them emotionally and financially. However, both parties when dating would probably prefer a more progressive or ‘happening’ partner because it is simply more fun. Girls and boys both mature with age and a balance is found. Therefore even the so-called ‘modern’ ones begin to ‘settle down’. It is a simple passage of time.

Query: I don’t feel confident when I am meeting new people. This is one thing that restricts me in going out with my friends in big groups. I feel I will find my right partner if I go out and meet new people. What can I do to be able to develop confidence and excel at the art of initiating interesting conversations? Kindly advise.
– Anonymous

Expert Advice by Dr Prakriti: You are right, the more you interact with new people the higher are the chances of finding your match. Initiating interesting conversation, mostly it requires you to have an interest in your subject… May it be a vast amount of general knowledge or current affairs just find something you are passionate about and do your research well. Start to have your own opinion on these subjects. But the most important thing, which is lies under the radar and often misses us is the ‘key skill of rapport building’.  Rapport building is a mirroring of sorts and it allows the other person to become comfortable with you quite fast because you seem familiar to them. You can mirror the body language,  their tone of voice, maintain eye contact and even copy their breath rhythm. Just start with this and you should see the difference.